It’s been almost one year since my last blog post entry. Not my biggest gap, to be fair, but still significant.
It’s been almost two months since moving to LA. This is my first big move since I started college in 2017.
It’s been almost one week since my last day at Mingei. I’m not entirely sure where to go from here.
There’s freedom in recent unemployment that eventually crashes down with the weight of reality. For a minute, it’s freeing. I haven’t had more than a handful of days off in a row in over two years, and I’ve fortunately had a job (or multiple layers of jobs) since 2021, before graduating.
In all past positions (Social Media Manager, Retail Associate, Museum Attendant, Marketing and Communications Specialist, Content Producer), I’ve reached a point where I’m itching for more time to focus on the aspects of the role I like most, rather than spreading myself thin with the routines of small tasks. Maybe it’s my fault for primarily working with non-profits—gotta love ‘em—and their need to stack at least four hats on every employee’s head! In a couple cases, the offer of hiring an intern or assistant was raised. My appreciation and relief would turn to fear. If I was doing less, would I be as impressive? But if I was doing less, couldn’t I give my primary work the attention it deserves?
As I apply to jobs, a conflict arises. Do I shoot downward, going for entry-level jobs that I’m overqualified for to give myself a mental break? Maybe I could be the intern or assistant and excel at supporting someone holding the roles I’ve previously occupied. Do I aim for the sky, pushing my experience toward a managerial position and keep moving up in the world? Unfortunately, all 30 of my submissions in the form of the latter have been dismissed so far. My upward move is someone else’s lateral, and they’re all equally eager.
The worst question to arise lately relates to the subject of passion. I’ve already come to terms with the fact that there is no “perfect” job. I came across a blog entry from a 2018 college assignment in which I wrote, “I’d like to consider myself a jack-of-all-trades type. I love writing, but I don’t want to be a writer. I love photography, but I don’t want to be a photographer. I love design, but I don’t want to be a designer. Social media marketing is the area in which I can be all of these things at once.” After six years of being the sole content creator for six social media accounts (across multiple platforms), I’m not sure if the role fills that desire anymore. The social media world morphs into something new every few months, and putting out content almost every day without much support packs a punch. I have realized, though, that I still love writing and photography and design. While all of those things exist in the world of social media, they also thrive outside of it as well—even more authentically.
In this chapter of unemployment, as long or short as it may be, I hope to take a second to breathe, but I also don’t want to let myself slip away. I’m great with deadlines. I always have been. Throughout school and work, I’ve taken serious responsibility over my tasks, mostly driven by the fear of letting people down. It’s a blessing and a curse for everyone involved! I’m meticulous and organized and always trying to improve. I’m hard on myself and I seek perpetual validation and I expect a high standard from other people. All ideas contribute to a constant hum of anxiety. What happens when there are no deadlines, no coworkers to impress, no time cards to approve? I’ve always been worried about letting other people down, but I forget that it’s important to show up for myself too.
For now, my savings and I are enjoying unemployment. This week, I participated in a one-day choir workshop (many thanks to Gaia Music Collective), obtained a Los Angeles Public Library card, and enrolled in an online sign painting course. This afternoon, I’m heading to McLogan Supply to get sign painting brushes. The other day, I added Hand Lettering to my portfolio, scanning a year’s worth of sketches from my notebook. A recent phone call with my mom opened the idea of starting my own lettering business—an opportunity to sell my crafts and control my own time but also a challenge (opportunity?) of starting from scratch. My goal is to keep the momentum and practice these trades and tools I’ve collected over the years. I want to get over myself, care less about originality, and just put something out there. I’ll try to keep you posted!
nat biendara 